Dealing With Regret Part II – Advanced Practice

Picture credit: Ted Eytan

How do we best cope with regret about our past decisions?

In response and as a complement to my last post, I want to offer an “advanced practice” tool to deal with regret.

Regret is a complicated state of mind and often involves a mix of feelings. It’s worth getting clarity about what’s what.

For example, one on my clients gave up an artistic career in favor or a more practical path. The grief she felt about giving up a dream could easily be confused with regret, but it is not the same thing. You can experience negative feelings about the consequences of your choice without regretting the actual choice. Give yourself permission to dislike some of the consequences of your choice, while acknowledging that you chose the best possible path (or what seemed the best possible path at the time you had to make the decision).

Advanced practice: a tool to deal with regrets

Here’s a tool to help with this [download the pdf here]. Whenever you feel any kind of pain with regards to your past decisions, write down how exactly you feel about it. Then, figure out which parts of the negative feelings are true regrets – as opposed to grief, sadness, anger, resentment, etc. Ask yourself: what do I truly wish I had done differently?

Example: Did I act (or fail to act) against my own values when a better path would have been possible? For instance, did I act out of cowardice, laziness, lack of care for others, lack of kindness, or negligent short-sightedness, against my better judgment? (Laziness and cowardice can include the active avoidance of information and of critical thinking – more about this here.)

If any of this applies, think very practically about how you could act more in line with your values next time. In fact, it’s worth thinking about that anyway – even if you feel that you acted to the best of the knowledge and capability you had at that time.

A good format for this are implementation intentions (explained in more detail here):

Example: If/when I find myself on the fence on whether to reach out to someone, I will remember how much I regretted my inaction last time, and I will take the first step. If it feels awkward, I will remind myself that awkwardness is an acceptable worst-case scenario. Losing a friend is not.

“Mathilde had walked in on her once crying in the coed showers,
had recognized her beautiful alto voice, and had walked out
again, choosing to give the gift of privacy over that of comfort.
Only in retrospect was that the worse choice.”

Lauren Groff – Fates and Furies.

Extra credit practice for true regrets:

Ask yourself: is it really too late, or could I still correct my regretted action or non-actions?

Example: Could I still reach out and try to restore that friendship? Could I still apologize, even if I hurt someone decades ago?

“Through this clear window, she could see how good it all had been.
She had no regrets.
[That’s not true, Mathilde; the whisper in the ear.]
Oh. Christ. Yes, there was one. Solitary, gleaming. A regret.
It was that, all her life, she had said no.”

Lauren Groff – Fates and Furies.

You can download a pdf of the advanced practice tool [here]. If you end up using it, I would love to hear from you! Here you can get in touch and schedule a call or leave me a message.

by Ursina Teuscher (PhD), at Teuscher Decision Coaching, Portland OR